sizhui | Inbox for prismatica

... I... yeah, it's difficult to be able to purchase a house without that.

[ Bluuuuush...

... anyway. ]

Yeah, it's... probably different for the younger one. It... is possible that there was an emergency and one or both of them were low on chroma. That... that will generate a lot of chroma, so in this place there are a lot of things that encourage it.

[ Cool, great, now he and Sizhui can be matching shades of red. ]

He could have told me that he’d married my Uncle. [ Muttered, lowly.

Dammit, why was his heart going so fast? ]

But then why with someone who stole my father’s sword? [ A safer topic than asking Sizhui just how much more chroma something like that would generate. ]

He was tricked, I’m sure of it!!

... well, that is up to them. But if they go back and neither remembers, would they consider it a marriage?

Either way...

The only person who can give you answers is your uncle. Who will probably try to find you, sooner or later.

... sooner.

[ Listen, he's witnessed sect leader Jiang yelling at Jin Ling for taking off without warning. Even if for this young sect leader Jiang, Jin Ling is a novelty, he strongly suspects it will be very similar. Maybe with less yelling but not with less emotion. ]

[ Jin Ling drew his legs up, Fairy’s head moving out of the way as he drew them to his chest, threading his arms around them and holding tight. She made a low noise and tried nuzzling his hand instead. ]

I don’t know. Maybe. To yell at me for interrupting and make me give the sword back.

[ He gripped his knees a little tighter. ]

Why is everyone in this place so nuts? I- I get that moonlacing feels good. Of course it does. It feels really good. [ Ah there was that flush again. ]

But that sort of thing is supposed to feel good back home too, right? And yet people don’t just - all the time —

[ Jin Ling you sweet summer child. ]

... well. It can save a life, which is, I will admit, quite a good reason. But also...

[ Sizhui takes a deep breath and tries to be as calm as he can. These are things that he's considered since coming to this world. And especially since... that network post and the subsequent discussion. ]

If we don't remember what happens here, back home... it's as though as it doesn't matter. So things that are... considered permanent back home may be more... flexible, here? Doing it doesn't mean you have to marry, because tomorrow the other person might be gone, and what would the marriage vows mean? Or if you want to commit to somebody from another world? Tomorrow is not promised.

There is only now, and ... why not take what can be taken?

And also...

I think it can feel very lonely here, for some people. I have Hanguang-jun, and I have you, my friends. And even Zewu-jun, and Senior Wei. But some are... uprooted. Both the feeling good and the connection, however temporary, they might be better than ... emptiness.

[ He didn’t say anything for a while as he digested Sizhui’s words, resting his head on his knees.

After a long moment: ]

... I can understand feeling lonely. [ Quietly. ] Even with so many people here...

[ He trailed off, miserably. Turned his head to look the other way. ]

I want to feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere, but it all feels wrong. I— it’s not that I don’t want my uncle to feel— happy, or—

[ Ugh. ]

Why would he have chosen someone that stole my father’s sword? [ Miserably. ] I know he doesn’t remember, but couldn’t he have figured out how much that would hurt?

[ Sizhui leans a little closer so that their shoulders are definitely touching. Not bumping, but gently brushing against each other. Not alone. ]

I don't know, Jin Ling.

It...

Do you know which one was the one with you, and which one you took from him?

[ ... would it even matter if the swords got mixed up? Would anyone know?

... he's curious. ]

[ He leans back, grateful for the contact.

At the question, though, he pauses - suddenly unsure. He picks them both up, and-

Huh. Yeah, he can. ]

This one's mine. [ He lifted the one in his right hand. ]

The wear patters are different. See? The gold here has been rubbed down a little where my thumb rests a lot of the time. It's still engraved pretty sharply on this one.

[ ... ... ..

nope, apparently he can recognize this and still not put one and two together. ]

[ Sizhui nods, glad that there are differences that Jin Ling can spot, and listens intently, head canted to one side. ]

As though the sword is from before you started using it?

[ Considering the whole complicatedness of when people come from, that doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. For this place. ]

Well that makes sense. There’s no way anyone would be able to steal it from me.

[ A huff.

A sudden revelation!!! ]

The sunshot campaign!! They took his sword, he didn’t have it for months! Those bastar— [ — hrk —

He flushed and looked away. ]

Someone must have taken it then!

[ Sizhui blinks slightly at the way Jin Ling catches himself, before he realizes what he means, and he can't help to soften a little. ]

I... think you're right, though. Those who did that were that. But...

Jin Ling, what if that person who was there took the sword from them to give back to your father? I mean, why else would he just have one sword...

[ Jin Ling frowned. ]

... Maybe.

But then why seduce my uncle!! Did they have an affair in the sunshot campaign?? Why wouldn’t he tell me!!

[ He draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them in a huff. ]

Whatever. I can try to make up stories to figure it out all day and it still won’t make sense.

... Jin Ling, do you really think any of the adults would tell us about an affair they had if it wasn't unavoidable? They, um, have to make sure they have our respect and all.

Let's finish the hot chocolate and wait for your uncle to call you, hm?

He should tell me if he has romantic intentions towards someone here, [ He pointed out grumpily, still bracing his knees but glancing down at his hot chocolate.

There was a longer pause, and then: ]

What am I supposed to do if he finds someone here? He already doesn’t know me. Why should he bother thinking of me as family at all? Other than- other than a normal nephew.

...

Jin Ling, I know that your uncle's affection could never be so fickle, and especially not towards you. Even if he doesn't know you yet, you will have his ... regard, and his love. Because you are family, and because you are you.

People can love other people in different ways. The love he has for you won't be diminished if he loves somebody as a partner, it's... it's different, all right? One doesn't take away from the other.

That’s not true.

[ He glared down into his cup. ]

It does change things. When Little Uncle got married, when he had a son- of course it changes things. I went from being heir to being a nephew again. Even after he died, I’m still...

[ He trailed off a little miserably. ]

I know it can’t be the same here. He doesn’t even know my courtesy name. He doesn’t know anything about me other than what I tell him. How can that replace someone raising you as a child?

I’m just - I’m someone’s son, but I’m not—

[ Ugh, what is he saying. He cuts off. He’s not allowed to claim he’s Jiang Cheng’s son anyway. Heir. That’s as much as he’s allowed to claim. ]

... it doesn’t matter. Just forget it.

Edited 2020-03-02 13:16 (UTC)

... people here can't have children. It's... the people at the government center on tho moon said so, the moonblessed can't. So that way, nobody can replace you.

And it does matter. I'm just trying to give you reasons that it will stop hurting. Or at least... hurt a little less.

[ He considered arguing it further, and then just pierced his lips tighter. No point. Sizhui’s family all remembered him. He was not going to be able to explain anyway.

At the last, though, he turned his head to give Sizhui a small frown before he glanced away again. ]

You don’t need to give me reasons to do that.

You already make things hurt less just by- just by being here.

... oh.

[ ... well, that is Sizhui here, blushing so much.

(Some of his family doesn't remember him, either, but then he thinks, that is kind of fair, since he didn't remember Senior Wei for the longest time, himself.

But more than this...

While he always knew that he mattered, Sizhui knows that he wasn't enough to take away the pain. He knows the look in Hanguang-jun's eyes, the one that he has grown up with, and how he sometimes could lighten it, but it was never gone until Senior Wei was returned to him.

He knows that he wasn't enough, and yet just like this...

Just like this, he is.)

His arm hold and tighten around Jin Ling. ]

I-- I'm glad. And I'm here.

[ He felt his own face rapidly heating up in response, but not out of embarrassment. It was because he had the sudden thought that Sizhui looked particularly cute, like this.

But to save the other boy some face, he let his eyes glance away and just leaned more heavily into the embrace, finally sipping at his hot chocolate. It was getting cool by now, but it didn’t matter. ]

I’m glad you are.

[ And then, after a slight awkward pause in a moment that felt too emotionally heavy somehow, he added in what sounded like is trying to make it sounds like a joke: ]

This place would be pretty boring without us, right?

I think it would be. Pretty boring, I mean.

[ He'll take it. So long as Jin Ling is distracted, he'll definitely take it. ]

What do you think we should do to make it less boring?

I think we should go exploring.

Proper exploring.

There has to be things we can do here that we could t at home, right?

Let’s find them.

... yeah, let's find them. I think there will be a lot of them, too.

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... maybe we can wrap up this one soon?

Sounds good!

So do explosions.