sizhui | Inbox for prismatica

yes exactly
which is why i asked hanguang-jun for help
but now he wants me to bring harry to him
so

i think i should but i hope it doesn’t
anyway

come on
was i born yesterday

do you really think i wouldn’t know that if hanguang-jun felt bad over you that you would feel worse??

It'd be difficult for him to help on second-hand information. Learning from the source is best. That is not what I meant, A-Ling. I know you... get it. But that's different. I do feel bad because he does. But he can't help how he feels. That's not the same as making me feel bad on purpose.

yeah i just
don’t want you to get in trouble

but he shouldn’t feel bad in the first place!! or if he does then he shouldn’t tell you!!

you didn’t do anything wrong and neither did he and it’s
i just

he knows perfectly well that he does that look where it’s like he doesn’t even have to say anything and suddenly you feel like you’re the biggest disappointment and need to train for the next seventy two hours straight

he uses it on me all the time!!!!

It's all right. You haven't. And I do like them, too, you know. I have absolutely no reason to make you stand up for how all of us are alone, or anything like that. There's a difference between when he *looks* disappointed and when he *is*. Sometimes they match! Please don't train for seventy two ours straight. Neither of us have reach cultivation high enough for that.

it's not the same
my uncles could give me grief if they wanted but they can't
the only one who possibly could is jiujiu and he's getting married to two people soon so he won't

if my dad wasn't here i'd be sect leader. even hanguang-jun can't actually tell me what to do if i decide i don't want to.

but i don't want to do anything that would make you sad so
i don't mind being the one to blame for stuff if that's what's necessary
even though i really don't think we're doing anything wrong anyway

well it would be worse when they matched, then?? that's what i'm saying

this isn't

i'm just worried about you?? there is that clearer

okay it's really cute that you took me literally though
i'm not going to train for seventy two hours straight don't worry

A-Ling. You were at Dafan Mountain. You must be aware just how unimpressed Hanguang-jun is by the title of sect leader. Anyway no. It's fine. You are not to blame, there isn't anything to blame anyone *for*, okay? We are not complying with the rules exactly, but then the rules in question are a little vague and up to interpretation and I do not think we have broken them either. Well, maybe a little while I was hesitating, but in all fairness, Yuri surprised me back then. Thank you. I'm unhappy that he is disappointed with me, but I think it would be worse if I started lying to myself, or to him. So I won't. It'll just take a while to sink in. All around. It's I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE IT'S WRITTEN OUT. JUST IN CASE. Mostly because I wouldn't be surprised if he has done it. Seventy two hours and all.

he could be as unimpressed as he wanted but he wouldn’t have the right to reprimand me [ But it would continue to be incredibly effective anyway...

he couldn’t help but grin a little at the caps lock. Cute... A-Yuan was cute... ]

i bet he would too

okay
i just

i don’t think you should lie either
i was just hoping maybe we would get some time to just
be ourselves
before the elders started deciding things for us or judging us or whatever

i don’t know

my dad

ugh not important

That just has never stopped him. But the thing is, he didn't decide for me. He didn't tell me to not, or to stop, or anything like that. He's just sad. Because he tried so much to give me safety and good things. And And I can't be a proper Lan. So it's - he always knew I'm not. This is just reminding him. He's not judging me for it. He's judging himself for failing to make it so I will be safe and... all right. Anyway. It. It's enough that you're not the kind of worried that will make you back off. I'm here. There are things that - I couldn't know about myself before this place. So we will all have to get used to them. It's just upsetting until we do, but it's not the bad kind of upsetting. At least... the kind that will make things bad in the long run. I don't think. So. I'm glad that you're here. That's enough. So, what about your dad?

i can take it

but thats
you ARE a proper lan, what’s that even supposed to mean
you are safe
you are all right

who does he think I am, that i wouldn’t make sure you were okay???

i’ll be more than enough
just wait
you’ll see
i’ll prove him wrong

he just
he said some stuff
if he says weird things to you just let it go okay

A-Ling. You take good care of me, you know. You're there when I need you, even when I haven't even thought that you do. You also make sure I don't just. Let things happen, instead of trying to make them better. You remind me I deserve things, when I just don't think about it. You don't need to prove anything else to anyone. ... okay. Are *you* okay?

[ Ugh.

He hates how that makes him choke up a little. Good thing he's alone!!!

...

But he also just can't address any of that, so he won't!! Moving on!! ]

yeah, i just

feel really guilty i guess

he just reminded me there's a lot of stuff he's not going to see
or witness
or be there for

and maybe i should be trying harder to

i don't know

Oh. If there is anything that I can help with. Anything. You know that I would, right?

well i told him i would introduce you

i just

i know you would and you wouldn’t even think about whether or not it would be a bad thing for you

but i can’t just try to recreate the life he’s going to miss for him

that wouldn’t be honest either

Yes, of course. Why would it not be g It would need to be. Considered. It's It's not even about it not being good for me? But considering this place. I wouldn't want to make you an oath breaker by asking an oath of you. But on the other hand, I can understand where he is coming from, too. And none of this is because either of us wants to hide.

I'm not going to make an oath breaker of you either. I won't.

~~If your actually fated person appeared I~~ [ deleted. ]

but of course i understand

it's not like i want him to miss all of that

even back home i

even things like
my birthday
i think about them

of course i do

Edited 2020-05-06 22:17 (UTC)

[ Well, good, because Sizhui might have cried a little if Jin Ling sent that. But just a little. ]

I appreciate that. What's one more thing, with a Wen [ very, very deleted. But ... truly. But it matters to Jin Ling, and that makes the thought - hurtful. He tries to shut it away. ]

But no, I think something like a marriage - it can't be done rushed or not right, no matter how much you may want to give it to him. We'll figure it out. At least there was his birthday, and we can figure out other special occasions? Ones that matter here and now, not - not attempts to recreate the past.

[ Maybe one day he won’t feel completely insecure about everything all the time but today is not that day. ]

i know
and i wouldn’t anyway it just

hurts, i guess

or recreate a future i don’t even know and honestly don’t want to think about

what kind of special occasions?

Edited 2020-05-07 12:46 (UTC)

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